..you can all rest easy now, as Congress has passed a bill banning chimps as pets.  Truly, one of the great legislative accomplishments of our time.

Things are so slow these days, I’ve consented to allow myself to watch portions of the NFL scouting combine on the NFL network.

Big mistake.

It’s hard for me to listen to these talking heads opine about college players who they clearly haven’t seen play.  For instance, how can anyone say–as some did–that they need to see Percy Harvin run a sub 4.4 40-yard dash to verify his speed?   Besides just knowing his history and observing how fast he is, all you really need to know about Harvin is that he has an electronically-timed, wind-legal 10.43 in the 100m.  And you can’t run that fast in the 100m and not be a sub 4.4 guy.  In essence, he did not even need to run.

But this kind of silliness has been echoed all week during the various telecasts and by online columnists.  For some reason, the media finds it necessary to act as if there is a real science around this event, one that only can be deciphered by the brilliant minds of the NFL.  Do I need to remind you that a good portion of coaches and scouts in the league are guys who probably weren’t smart enough to get real jobs and who got their start mainly due to nepotism, or the good ‘ol boy system?    Okay, I won’t.

And anyway, the combine is mostly about suspending disbelief.  Sometime after his last college game is over, a draft-eligible player embarks upon a training regimen to prepare himself for the league workouts.  For about eight weeks, he gets the right amount of sleep, drinks the perfect amount of water (you can see the dedicated ones carrying water jugs to night clubs in January and February), hones his body in the weight room, eats a perfect diet, trains with various experts in the fast-twitch arts, learns from sprint coaches how to run a 40 and breaks it all down to the exact number of strides.

Then, the player runs the 40 in front of the scouts and, suprise!, he runs a 4.34 and everyone is shocked!   Who knew he was that fast?

But the circumstances in which the player ran that 40 will never again be duplicated, meaning that as soon as the combine is over, he will likely go back to a more normal routine–less sleep, a standard diet (or much, much worse), a weight routine intended for bulk over speed (to absorb the hits of the league), a reversion to bad form when running and, maybe above all, a lifestyle buffeted by millions of dollars with which he can indulge his worst tendencies.

Of course, the NFL knows this.  But they pretend that when a guy runs that fast at the combine, it means something.  For some guys, the 40 just verifies what we already know–for instance, that Harvin is fast.  But don’t tell me that Ian Johnson runs a sub 4.5.  He doesn’t.  Great college player, but he’s not a speed guy.  He doesn’t play like a sub 4.5 guy.  He just did what he had to do for this one moment in time.

All you have to know about the unseriousness of the 40 at the combine is in the way it is covered by the media and the scouts.  We see a guy run and then an ‘unofficial’ time is flashed.  Well, isn’t this supposed to be an electronically measured sprint?  If so, why the ‘unofficial’ mark?  And why do scouts still time players with their stopwatches if the combine provides an electronic time?    You will not get any more accurate than an electronic timing device.  I read something by Todd McShay recently where he wrote that “several scouts timed Harvin under 4.3 even though his official time was 4.41″.  Well, it would help if McShay pointed out that hand times are always faster than electronic times and are generally inaccurate due to the inexact nature of the human thumb.  Maybe McShay doesn’t know this, or maybe like other reporters he once again deferred to the all-powerful ‘unnamed scout’s’ opinion.

I won’t even get into the fact that the 40 at the combine is run in shorts on turf indoors and takes place under much different conditions than the upcoming ‘Pro Days’ at various campuses, where some will be on grass, turf, rubber indoor tracks or outdoor tracks, with the wind, against the wind, across the wind, with cleats, with sneakers and so on.  The variations and conditions in which these races are run are rarely, if ever, reported.  But we are led to believe that they are all uniform.

In the end, what the 40 does is gives the NFL plausible deniability about a prospect.  If he ends up as a bust because of, say, lack of speed, a GM can say “Well, he ran a 4.4 at the combine, so it’s not my fault.”

If the younger generation of media, as well as scouts, had more of a background in track and field, they would understand some of these concepts.  And maybe they wouldn’t be so shocked when a player turns out to be too slow in the NFL.

Here are some thoughts on recruiting from Lannie Julias, a long-time coach and scout who will soon be writing at Recruitpundit.com.

The college game is constantly in flux.  The past few years have seen remarkable changes to the offensive side of the ball.  If you look closely at the details of who signed where on Letter of Intent Day, you can discern the trends and fads that will be coming soon to a stadium near you.

For the most part, the elite powers will always have an advantage in the recruiting game.  There is a select group of schools that have been very good for most of the past 100 years.  Their recruiting strength is predicated on rich traditions, which they are then able to flaunt to prospective players.  Recruits see the All-Americans, the Heisman winners, the bowl games and the national titles and they ask “Where do I sign?”

But lately we have seen schools become factors in recruiting thanks to their ability to sign players that fit the latest style, whether on offense or defense.  Teams are bringing in armies of receivers and athletes so they can be used in 5-wide sets or bunch formations in the spread.   Because the pace of the game is speeding up, the focus is on building depth to keep guys fresh.  In response to this, schools are bringing in tons of defensive backs and quick linebackers who can keep up with these speedsters in space.

Punch-Counterpunch.  It’s the name of the recruiting game.

So, speed begat speed on both sides of the ball.  But now there is the invasion of the smurfs, as running backs and receivers under 5-10 who have quick feet and excellent change of direction (the better to dart around and between linemen) are the new rage.   Even if a 6-4 linebacker could keep up with a 5-6 pinball, the target is not exactly easy to hit or hinder, due to its small size.   In response, we are likely to see even smaller linebackers and more hybrid defensive players in the back seven.

Meanwhile, the 3-4 alignment is now coming into play more on defense, so schools will recruit lighter (but taller) defensive ends and turn some tight ends into defensive ends, mainly because of the need to defend so much space on the edges.  The spread can just wear down a defense, so defenses must stave off fatigue and that means having plenty of bodies who can run and who can quickly substitute in and out.  Because so much of offensive football these days is focused on getting players into space, you’ll find more and more ends playing inside on certain downs, as they can fill the cutback lanes quicker than the big, plodding tackles.  Indeed, many tackles will play limited snaps due not only to the speed-in-space factor, but also due to the need to make quick substitutions in certain situations.

And with the decline in the number of purely pro-style I-formation offenses, fewer fullbacks and traditional tight ends will be signed.  That will leave more scholarship slots for those defensive backs and linebackers who can help defend the spread.  The end result will be 85-man rosters that tilt more toward the defensive side of the ball.  This year’s recruiting classes should reflect this.

The last trend that I find important in this year’s class has more to do with the process of recruiting than the actual fruits of its labor.  More and more, we see players who are referred to as ‘soft commits’.  To this day, I can’t understand that term.  That’s like saying you can be married but still want to date.

Signing day witnessed the spectacle of parents and grandparents, friends and girlfriends, gathered around a recruit who then chose among a row of baseball caps with school insignias on them.  As they jockeyed behind him for camera time, the recruit removed a hat from the table and, somewhere, a coach’s heart broke.  Remember, these are decisions that, eventually, could determine whether a coach is employed years from now.

As the recruit is doing this, other recruits watched in disappointment as some lost out on the chance to play for their dream program, since that school overlooked them in favor that chance to get the more marquee player (now donning the hat of the school he was probably going to go to all along).

In reaction to all this, I believe you’ll see more and more schools giving out what amounts to a ‘soft offer’.   It works both ways.  Coaches are getting tired of being played.

Punch-Counterpunch.  That’s what recruiting is all about.

It’s a bit ironic that the person who has emerged as Tennessee coach Lane Kiffin‘s fiercest critic is also the media member who most closely resembles Kiffin in personality and conduct.

I’m talking CBS Sportsline’s Gregg Doyel, who performs the rather difficult task of turning Kiffin into a sympathetic figure with this typically over-the-top column about the Volunteer coach’s recent miscues.

Doyel rips Kiffin for, among other things, not getting his facts straight.  Yet it’s Doyel who thinks he’s the first to write about the pending Kiffin disaster.   However, as HP readers surely know, this blog was the first to sound that warning and I’ve kept it up in subsequent posts.

I’m no fan of Kiffin, but at least I’ve met the guy.  I even acknowledge that he’s a good talent evaluator and a decent position coach.   I doubt Doyel has spent any time with him *.  But, then, that is his modus operandi.  He comes to his conclusion first and then works his way backwards, not unlike the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland (‘first the sentence, then the trial!).

Incredibly, Doyel is already claiming he is right before Kiffin has even coached a game at Tennessee.  I think Kiffin will ultimately fail, but it is a bit presumptuous to say he has already failed.    Just like it was a bit presumptuous for Doyel to claim that Florida would be torched in the BCS title game and that the fix was in for a guaranteed Tebow Heisman.

I’ve seen Kiffin operate and I’ve seen Doyel operate and it is altogether fitting that they share the subject line at the top of this post.

*–I realize now that it would violate the laws of physics for Kiffin and Doyel to be in the same room together as they are basically the same person and the resulting space-time anomaly would cause the universe to explode…Maybe it could happen in a ‘Back to the Future’ universe, but not this one.

Signing Day is upon us.  There are many of you out there, I believe, who prefer following recruiting more than watching your team play.  Just another reason to argue about who has the best players, right?  And on Signing Day, all the teams are undefeated and hope springs eternal.

Now, to get you even more excited, here is a list of the players from the 2009 class who I believe we are most likely to see mentioned as Heisman candidates in the coming years:

Bryce Brown, RB, Miami or Oregon–Where Brown ends up could eventually determine his Heisman future.  On the one hand, going to Miami could potentially give him more media exposure but, on the other, playing in Chip Kelly’s offense could result in some big-time yardage.   He reminds me of a Jonathan Stewart type, though maybe a bit shiftier and with not quite as much home run speed.   Will probably take a season to adjust to the level of competition–he played HS football in Kansas, after all–but once he adjusts, look out!

Matt Barkley, QB, USC—He’s a throwback to the days when quarterbacks were statues back there in the pocket, but he’s got the passing skills to put up big numbers in USC’s offense, which prefers that its quarterbacks not run anyway. Not an especially exciting player, but a real solid technician who played in a high level of competition in high school.

Russell Shepard, QB, LSU—One of the most exciting dual-threat quarterbacks to come out of high school in the last few years. Should be very effective in the spread after a couple seasons of maturing. The best player in LSU’s top-rated class.

Garrett Gilbert, QB, Texas–If Colt McCoy never wins a Heisman, then Gilbert might be the first Longhorn quarterback to do so a few years from now. He should thrive in the Texas scheme, which seems to be tailor-made for his skills.

Tate Forcier, QB, Michigan—You might wonder at this pick, but Forcier should be a pretty good fit for Rich Rodriguez’ offense. He is very quick and athletic and he can throw, too. He’ll be in Ann Arbor for spring ball, so he has a chance to very quickly take over the reins of the offense.

Jordan Reed, QB, Florida—A big, mobile quarterback in the mold of Tim Tebow and former Florida backup Cameron Newton. Has a quicker release and stronger arm than Tebow, though not quite as nimble running downfield. At 6-3, 235, he can be another Tebow-style quarterback, which may mean another Tebow-style Heisman run.

Mike Gillislee, RB, Florida—Ho-hum, another running back with great breakaway speed has signed up for duty in Gainesville. This guy can flat-out run (and catch, too) and should be an immediate contributor next season.

Fitzgerald Toussaint, RB, Michigan—At some point, a star running back will emerge for the Wolverines and Toussaint looks like he can be the guy to do it. He’s the tallest (5-10) of an army of waterbugs that Rich Rodriguez has brought into Michigan in this class and he’s quick, shifty and can go downtown with the ball. And anyway, with that kind of name, he has to be good, right? Go to this link for his highlights.

These are my elite guys.  I’ll add to this list more in the next couple days.